LISA Turns 26
Internal MONOLOGUE
26 years of my life and finally I get it. Contentment is what I feel. I am happy with who I am, all that I am and most importantly all that I am not. You know they say a woman fully matures at 25. I cannot tell for sure that they are right all I know is my journey began Thursday, 11th February 1999. And from that day till this one I have endeavored to achieve my dreams.
Mine is the story of a young girl so full of life, joy and laughter. My big eyes warm and inviting opening doors to a sea of adventures. My mind wonders back to the life I have lived, the experiences I have had. I have learned so much. Life still edges itself on my skin with scars telling stories of courage and bravery.
As I sit in my living room at my two bedroom apartment typing on my computer I am drawn to a very specific moment in my past.
I think I was in third grade. My personality has always been eccentric and vibrant I had waaay too much energy. This was about the time I started to think, to form opinions and to look at the world through my innocent eyes.
My family lived near a river, we owned a farm, a few cattle and the apartment we lived in was family owned. We didn’t lack anything in fact one would say we were pretty blessed, yet I felt I wanted more. I felt in my heart that I could do more.
At the time there was no technology and black and white TV was about the best you could do and yes my family owned one. I reckon not so many people in my neighborhood owned one.
It was a delight a simpler time, one of the things you only enjoy when you look back to that moment. The TV was invented in 1924 and aired in black and white.
Color TV broadcasting began in the USA in 1954 and continued to evolve to the smart TVs we all know and love today.
A colored TV would make it’s way to my home in 2004 and change my little mind forever. I talk about dreams a lot and you may be tempted to think I just now discovered that word, but in this year a dream would be born a fire ignited in my soul. I wanted to burst I had never really known what more I needed but I saw it and I knew this, is what I wanted.
On that color TV I saw the future I wanted.
Knowingly or unknowingly I started to chase this dream. I knew it would take time, my own mother told me it was impossible. “You don’t know me” I thought to myself determined against all odds to fall far from the tree. To swing myself as far out as I could to escape a path that seemed laid out, in sight and easy to follow.
And true to who I wanted to be I fell in uncharted lands full of scrubs, thickets and no clear path in sight. Alas! I was all alone, I did not know where I was, there was no beginning and no end, I was scared, terrified to my bones so much could go wrong.
I sat to take a moment. Calm down I say. Quiet your mind. Clearly fathom the weight of choice, the price of freedom.
Why does true freedom feel like a heavier burden than the chains I once wore?
Because freedom is not the release you imagined. It’s the weight of choice, the endless resposibility of your fate resting in your hands. No chains bind you now, but the decisions you make will. In your search for freedom, you became a prisoner of consequence.
I stand back up my spirits renewed, blind optimism taking control and I reach out to the nearest branch “Ouch! Damn it. The damn thing has spikes.” This becomes the first lesson as I find my way through the thickets.
Armed with sheer will and raw audacity I make my way through. With the heart of a warrior and the strength of a frail rope on the verge of giving up I scour and cut the branches. In the way I sort of learn how to make a sword. Not so bad huh…?
Do not be fooled I make countless mistakes, some things you look back to and just sigh coz what the fuck?!!/?
I will not lie life’s lessons have left a bitter taste at the back of my tongue, never to forget it’s cruel nature. Nonetheless I would do it all over again. Because I never wanna loose the person I have become.
I am no longer a nice person and I have no desire to please. I am however a kind person with boundaries, personal space and self love. I am strong enough to ask for help when I need it, I live in awareness of my shortcomings and my strengths and those of others.
I see the path I must create for myself…
I look forward to living the life I fought for ever since I was in third grade.
